| it's better to burn out than to fade away.. |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|12:13 am] |
So I had a breakdown kind of night last night, not crying, but feeling really sorry for myself and really wanting someone to care. I planned on writing a huge entry, for the first time in a long long time, but that failed when he came online and started telling me how he just got home (at 1245am) and thought he'd let me know, considering I was probably working late. I told him two days before that I was OFF on sunday, and that maybe we could see eachother - he forgot. I ended up getting called into work anyway, but if I hadn't I probably wouldn't have made any plans and waited to hear from him, which wouldn't have happened. I decided to tell him that he didn't owe me anything, even though this whole thing was my idea. He was confused, so I told him that I felt like he didn't want anything more out of this, that I felt like if we actually did go through with the deal, that I would end up having feelings and I am sure he wouldn't feel the same. I was sounding like a crazy swimfan (like the movie). He ended up telling me that he doesn't know what he wants (no surprise, he didn't 5 years ago).. but that he wanted to continue things and see where they could go. I sat there typing and deleting and typing and deleting, and feeling like I had made a big mistake starting anything in the first place, because I feel like I am selling myself short because I am positive that he will never want something more with me.
but, being the crazy idiot who likes playing games that i am... some part of me likes this chase and wants to continue whatever I have started..
I think I will text him tomorrow and ask if he's available at night.. since i am off... if the answer is no, that will be my last and final attempt at trying to make something happen. I have this guy figured out so well but not at the same time. I feel like sometimes I give so much and feel so much, and that it is not reciprocated... and then at other times, I feel nothing and don't want him for anything more than what he was originally supposed to be there for. I am trying really hard to have this mean nothing to me - to play him like I've been played in the past.
And another small part of me wishes I had a perfect boyfriend so that my life could be happy and easy ... and eventually get boring until the day that I wish I could be in the place that I am now.
I have a serious case of pms and feel like I am losing my mind sometimes, like now. The last few days I have been getting sharp pains in my stomach, and not sure what is causing them. My hands are breaking out like they do every winter in rashes that I scratch because it feels good, so today I went to get some cream to keep that under control. I am also working way too much and not getting enough sleep. And I'm missing my best friend who has moved out of the country, and will soon be missing the other one who is also going to be leaving me. If it wasn't for me missing my dog too much, I would jump ship and swim to another continent and find a job and meet an Irish man with curly hair and a thick accent that I can hardly understand.
And more than anything, I miss him. I was driving home the other day and started thinking about my family and how this Christmas will be.. and about my grandpa.. and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I thought of how I will never see his face again. I started talking to him in my head, hearing his voice as clear as I could remember it, saying things to me that he would always say..because I don't ever want to forget his voice. He comes to me in the form of a lady bug sometimes... twice when I went to visit the cemetery, he was sitting on two different tombstones and I smiled both times. I have not accepted the fact that he is gone yet, but sometimes I try to forget it, and when I am driving alone I will be hit with the reality of it all and my eyes will well up and I almost have to pull over because I can't see. I want this year to be over, so much of it (aside from my trip) has been filled with unhappy memories that I want to put in a box and mail somewhere where they won't find me again. I wish I could hibernate through the rest of this year and wake up in January.
I think I just needed to get all that out of my system. I am like a completely different person from morning to night.
Ugh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|02:59 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I am spending my time searching for lyrics to emo songs I listened to six years ago when I went through this same exact thing.
I don't want to be here again. |
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| distance makes the heart grow weak |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|08:11 pm] |
Mom and I went to the vet and picked up the ashes yesterday. I've never considered cremation, its always seemed like such a strange thing to have a loved ones ashes in your house after theyre gone. The vet asked if we wanted to bury her body somewhere, or if we wanted ashes.. never really mentioned anything about anything else. This makes me wonder what they do with animals after they die.
I now have a shrine outside my room. With a tiny urn, a picture frame, and a tiny bag with her pawprints and some of her fur (the vet offered). Tyler thought it was just weird that I had fur, and that i took it out of the bag to touch and smell it. Is that weird? I'm not sure how else to get over the fact that i cant see her ever again. It's not like I do it daily, its just comforting for some reason.
Now I'm not sure if we should bury the ashes or just keep the urn. It seems weird to me to keep it around forever when shes gone, but burying it in the backyard also seems weird to me. If I did that, I would feel strange moving out of this house, and leaving her here. I wouldn't be able to 'visit her grave' if it wasn't my backyard anymore.
Either way she's gone and nothing will change that. I think this feeling will last until I get another pet because this house is so lonely without one. Now the creaking steps are no longer from her, and I wonder if the noises I hear now are her giving me a sign that she's still with me at night.
Emo emo emo. |
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| goodnight my girl |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|09:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
This has been the hardest day of my life, by far. I've dreaded this day since as long as I can remember and now I still can't believe it has come.
I've never cried so much.
I've never felt this kind of pain, because I've never lost someone that close to me, or been old enough to understand what forever mean.
I sat there in the little room not feeling like it was me inside my own body. I listened to the words come from a man who has probably broken the news to so many others like me. I looked at him and felt almost numb, knowing that there was no good coming in this day.
I wondered why the other vet didn't suspect these new problems.
My poor baby girl.
I learned today that I'm stronger than I thought. As I stood with my arms around her, and my family in tears wondering if it was the right decision, I knew in my heart that I would not regret my choice. Because ultimately, it was my choice to make.
And I'm glad he told me to hold her as she took her last breaths. It was probably the hardest thing I've done in my life but I know she's happy now and at peace.
I didn't want to see her suffer, because I could see in her eyes that she was, even if she didnt want to admit it.
My last memory of her is of falling asleep last night, with her purring beside me...her arms outstretched to feel me. Her paws pressing into my mouth. I was uncomfortable but stayed there anyway..not knowing when the last time I would feel her beside me as I fell asleep.
I'm going to miss the snoring the most..as I would be desperately trying to fall asleep, she always beat me to it.
It's weird being in this house. Not having to leave the laundry room door open for her, not having to feed her in the morning, seeing her waiting at the steps for me to get home. Waiting each night for her to jump onto my bed...last night I couldn't sleep, I had to go get her...and im glad I did.
I'll miss you my baby girl. I'm sorry if you weren't ready to go..but something told me you were. When you looked me in the eyes before we left you. I love you i love you.. i'll never forget you. Goodnight my girl.
..please God, give me strength to teach tomorrow without breaking down in front of 30 pairs of eyes.
..and please take care of my girl.
Amen. |
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| hello, 2008 |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|08:14 pm] |
I'm trying to begin this year with a lot more positivity. I don't mean the kind that is caused by other people, but by myself. I need to work on keeping myself healthy emotionally, and I've learned this year, that it doesn't need to depend on so many different factors, but solely on where my own head is at.
I've started this by keeping a rose quartz rock inside my bra, at all times, every day. It is supposed to heal your heart, and well..i think my heart could use a little of that. I think we all could. So far, well for the last two days, it's been working.
I went to the gym today, by myself. It felt good to work out and I think if I keep it up, I'll be a happier person. I'm finding little things in my life that are going to keep me grounded in a way that I can't really explain.
Ash did an angel card reading on me last night at Timmys, while all the asians around us stared like it was some kind of psychic convention. It made me feel good and more sure about my life and where it's going, so i'm determined to buy some cards for myself..so i can do readings whenever and wherever i want.
I want to become more spiritual this year. I've always believed in angels and wanted to be more in tune with my own, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm starting to read more books, so that I'll know which angel to call upon when I need something specific. I'm currently reading "Sacred Contracts" by caroline myss which the psychic recommended to me, and I'm already feeling like i'm living with a little more direction.
I'm also reading a book called 'Why Men love Bitches', the bitch being the dream girl not the doormat - and i can't seem to put it down.
As soon as I started it, i quickly realized that I have always been the doormat in all of my relationships. Well, the ones i cared about anyway. =S
I make myself too available, and don't let there be any chase for the guy.. i serve myself on a silver platter and let him decide whether or not he is interested. This book basically tells you that you're an idiot for being like i was/am...and so i'm trying to change things about myself, so that I become more of a 'dream girl'. haha.. It sounds stupid but I swear, the dream girl has it made and I think I could really benefit from taking some advice from her.
After a shitty new years eve, and reading this book, I'm feeling like I need to change how I am completely. I feel like none of my relationships will ever work out now, or in the future, if I continue being such a useless girl. I'm learning some great lessons from this sherry argov woman, and I hope she can help me be ..well, less pathetic. Sometimes I worry so much about having my relationship work out, that all I end up doing is pushing him away.
I bring up things that bother me about him in hopes that he changes, but he just tells me that i'm predictable..and that i can't ever take the blame for anything.
Who is right? I don't even know anymore. I just want a guy to always be excited to see me and not make me feel like he'd rather be sleeping. I don't want to be disappointed when he's in one of his moods, only to go home and fall asleep pissed off - because there's nothing i hate more.
I guess these kinds of things come up after being together for a year, but I really don't want them to. I'm finally with someone that I can actually myself being with forever, and even though that shouldn't be in my mind, I can't help but hope everything works out in my favour.
..Hence to need to be more positive, on my own..and independent.
Well, back to the book I guess. I can't watch the blasted leaf game because i don't have leafs tv...........grrrrr..#$%$$.
goodnight friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|09:18 pm] |
why is love so hard sometimes?
men are sometimes so fucking insensitive. or is it just him? im not sure.
apparently i overreacted about something i read on facebook.. which i am so close to deleting altogether.
and instead of understanding and apologizing which i wish he would do for ONCE...... he fights back and says im overreacting, jealous and insecure.
well guess what....... FUCK you. |
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| peter pan syndrome |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|12:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
so, yeah..
i've decided (i think) that i'll be more than likely taking a year off next year.
I feel like all i ever do is talk about my career and when it'll start and how my first year will be, and already i'm losing it.. it's so hard to wrap my head around everything that will be expected of me, and while i'm sure i'll be able to do everything, i feel like i'm not ready for the stress. You would think that three years of learning how to teach would make me more than ready for it all, but I'm so specific about what i want that i'm scared to accept anything else.
I don't want a split grade.
I don't want anything over grade 6.
I don't want TDSB.
So i pretty much would only accept a job teaching 4 5 or 6, in York, and the chances of that are slim.
I told my mom last night that i'm going to take a year off and take some courses so that i can teach primary, and possibly others which will increase my pay when i eventually get a job. She seemed fine with that, which made me feel better.
So here's the plan..I'll work at montys and take some courses so i'm not just doing nothing for a year..and possibly save up for a car?
I'm scared to grow up. |
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| i'm back... with september blues. |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|07:52 pm] |
I'm feeling pathetic.
maybe it's because school and placement is starting and i'm having a hard time getting back into the groove. I'm worried i'll have insomnia and anxiety all over again.
I'm also worried about everything else. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend or relationship but i get so needy at times when i shouldn't. I'm not the type, at least i didn't think i was..but I feel like I need to be smothered in order to feel loved.
I'm pathetic. |
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| shit day |
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|01:20 pm] |
it's been a while since i wrote in here.
I was in my first real car accident that i can remember this morning. Just a fender bender, and luckily the other car wasn't damaged at all. So my mom's car has a dented hood and i feel bad for my bro whether or not he has to pay for it, because it was his fault. I wish this snow would hurry and and get the fuck out of here. It felt like spring yesterday and i just wish it was here.
i have about 15 assignments to do in the next month, before school starts. Not to mention the teaching block which will start as soon as I'm off, which will take a month out of my summer vacation. I have one more year of this school bullshit before i'm free and on my own. I can't wait but I'm so fucking scared. I'm really thinking about taking a year off to work before i WORK and start my career.
I thought the other day that i could potentially be starting a career in a year and a half which will last thirty years until I retire. I hate the thought that I'll be doing the same thing everyday, but I'm praying that once i get my own classroom I'll enjoy it a lot more..and not have nervous anxiety every fucking week.
I just want to go away and be on some beach anywhere other than here. I miss the smell of palm trees and coconut sunscreen and strawberry daiquiris by the pool.
And I'm dreading my next class. I can't stand the people in it who think they are going to be successful dance 'artists' with great careers.
I'm so cynical and stressed about school right now. I feel like if I didn't have someone to help me get through it, I would be a mess. I love the fact that when I need to vent and freak out about little things that won't matter next week, he's there to remind me it'll all be okay. I haven't had that in so long and I don't think I've ever had anyone care as much or listen as well as he does.
I wish it was the end of May.
I wish it was 2010 because i feel like things will be soo much better around that time.
sigh.
time for a good shit and a very boring class. haaaahhahaah.
-j |
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| love is friendship set on fire |
[Feb. 9th, 2007|12:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  quixotic | ] |
it's been one month and i can't decide if it went by slowly or flew by.
I wish I could somehow find out where my life will be in a few years. Because I feel like I can see it all laid out perfectly and I don't want to be let down.
And I never want to stop trying no matter what.
That's all. |
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| sick as fuck |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|02:06 pm] |
Ok so i skipped two days of school and i think i'm getting worse and worse.
i went to the walk-in clinic today and the nice chinese woman told me that she'd get back to me in two days to let me know if i have strep throat. She said my temperature was high, and i probably have a cold or flu or some combination of the two.
I've never really felt like this beforee...i'm hot one minute and cold the next, im too exhausted to want to eat, but i feel ok when i do... the back of my throat ias little white specs of infection and my lymphs are swollen like golf balls. I almost passed out when i got up this morning.
nine oclock come quick.. i have an OC date with the boy and he's insisting on bring me soup even though i already bought some earlier today. <3
ughhhhhh...... back to bed i guess. |
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| a new year :) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|01:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | we might fall - ryan star <3 | ] |
I don't think this year could have started off any better. I'm not even sure how or why things turned out the way they did but all I care about is that I'm happy. And from now on my happiness will be my first priority when making decisions. I conquer.
So since i've been MIA on LJ I guess i'll fill y'all in on my latest happenings..
I told Jeff I'm done with him. After after having a conversation before he went to Cuba, about how we want to have sex, I decided after he left that I didn't want that at all. I guess I was in one of my stupid and irrational moods where I think I can do things that I can't. So I basically told him that he couldn't give me what I want. I said I was looking for a relationship where I could rely on someone to be there all the time, and he couldn't give that to me. I also said that he should have told me from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship with me, rather than making it blatantly obvious that all he was looking for was a good time. He said it sucked that I had already made up my mind about it all, and that he was planning on calling me that night so he could see me. I thought that was bullshit, and couldn't understand why I was soo obsessed with this vision of him being perfect for me when he really reeeally isn't. So that's that... we hardly talk anymore and he's acting bummed out, when I know he could care less because I didn't mean much to him at all.
And now, a week later, I have a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure he's not going anywhere in two weeks.
I totally thought that all the persistance on his part in the beginning was going to turn me off totally and make me regret showing any interest. But that never happened. We would go out and he didn't try anything at all. I said I wanted to do things slowly, so he decided to let me call all the shots. One thing led to another and I decided that he's a completely different person than he was in highschool, talking about things I'd heard about him that weren't true.
I still can't really believe I decided to let things start between us, but for some reason I trust everything he's said and know that he won't leave me high and dry like all the others have. There's no questions that aren't answered and I feel completely comfortable asking anything I want. Even if it makes him or I umcomfortable, because no matter what he'll answer honestly. I think I've missed that comfortable stage with a guy, because I haven't had it in over two years, and for some reason we sort of skipped it. There's something about being able to do stupid things like burp in a guy's face and him still wanting to kiss you after. hahaahha.
And speak of the devil he just called me to say hi. And to prove a point that he's trying to learn how to talk on the phone, since he hates doing it.
Anyways.. there's a little update for all of my LJ fans. Mainly wes, since I know he misses reading about me ;)
Thank GOD it's almost friday. I need a break from routine, even though the break just ended. SIIIIGH.
time for class. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|12:54 am] |
i'm crying.
but only because i've realized that i can't get through these things without another person to lean on. i wish i had enough strength in myself to realize when things aren't right for me.
ugh. |
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| happy |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
Call me stupid because I probably am. And I'm probably making a huge mistake getting all wrapped up in this, because I know i won't be able to get out of it as easily.
But after two christmas' which have made me wish they were over before they even began, I think I deserve a happy one this year.
I'm not sure how he just got right back into it after not talking to me for three months. But maybe that's what I love about him. I noticed yesterday that he's one of those guys who always needs to make physical contact.. either hold my hand, rub my back, whatever. And i love that because I don't think I've ever had it. I also have never had a guy who I could bring out with whoever, and be sure that he'll have a good time. But with him it's all smiles all the time, and maybe that's why I couldn't forget about him no matter how hard i tried.
I found it ironic that it was raining yesterday as we were saying a very long goodbye, and when i pointed it out he agreed. It always seems to rain when we're together and I love every minute of it.
We're supposed to go skating downtown tomorrow, and to the Nutcracker next week. I hope these plans he's trying to make don't fall through, because I'm really hoping he surprises me this time.
But at the same time, I have a feeling the same thing might happen when he goes back to school and gets busy, and we'll just go our separate ways and wait for the summer to roll around again. I'm just trying not to think about it...and I'm promising myself right now that i'll bring it up when we're face to face. I'll give him no choice but to tell me what he wants from me and what we are, if anything.
I didnt sleep last night, hardly. And I'm planning on putting up my xmas decorations tonight, minus the tree (because its not bought yet). |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|06:02 am] |
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Are you coming back or aren't you? Because the door's open but the wind is so fucking strong that it might just carry me away. |
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| ok |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|02:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | lover you should have come over .. still. | ] |
Since I wrote in here last.. I bought two new pairs of jeans. One was 50 from ae and the other 100..from jean machine. This is a major obstacle overcome for me..because i haven't gotten a new pair in over a year. Just because whenever i try them on, they don't fit. I'd post a pic of the hot new commodoties but really.. i have no ass to fill them so it wouldn't be much of a treat.
So it looks like mid-november stress attack caused me to lose some weight. I think not eating properly and not sleeping, well, at all..probably did it. I was feeling skinny so i hopped on the scale and to my surprise..i was back to 111. I'm pretty sure I was over 120 when school started, so I guess I know what to do if I ever need to lose weight. Let a boy fuck me up, take really hard classes, and have anxiety over teaching eat at my brain at 4am. Nice.
Last night I had a shitty sleep, and I almost was up all night but I fought it really hard because I knew I couldn't pull today off without rest. Today my AP which is the teacher from the school I'm at who marks me and send it to york, had to come in and watch me teach..and pretty much take notes on everything. I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal..but it really kind of was. I was really nervous, and felt like I was almost going to blank out at one point, but didn't..and even if I did I had my whole lesson plan right in front of me. I had a couple of those.. i don't know what im saying right now...moments..where you start explaining something then are suddenly at a loss for words. I covered it up well though, because after she called me into her room to talk about it all.. She said I did great and that I was really comfortable, had good control, and had a very 'pleasant' tone (a la margie). She liked the fact that I asked them a lot of questions too, didn't just blab on... and her only suggestion was.. that I turn on the lights. Because apparently I had the lights on either side of the classroom OFF and the kids were reading in the 'dark'. I'm pretty sure she was exaggerating, but I thought it was kinda funny. That and I should explain hard words when the kid is reading something they don't understand.
So my first evaluation went great. YAY. I know they don't really have very high expectations at this point but it's good to be complimented once in a while...especially when you've been feeling like shit lately.
I can't wait for xmas break. I'm not sure I want to be working a lot but I need the money. And I think I should probably see if el Gappo will take me back for a couple weeks. Apparently I should still be going to my placement though, to look like a keener.. so maybe i'll do that on mondays instead.
My dad finally hooked up cable in my room. There's a big honkin' cord coming out of the ceiling to my tv, mind you.. but that's my dad for you. He gets the job done.
Some kind of small animal was in my mailbox yesterday. I took the mail out and this strange noise kept happening every time i tapped the box. It creeped me out so I ran inside then my brother later informed me that he touched something fuzzy.. either a mouse or bird.? But i don't think mice climb walls so I'm pretty sure it was a bird. RIP little guy.
What else?
Things to look forward to:
-being drunk on thursday?
-brand new concert
-buffalo shopping spreea
I found a letter in my backpack yesterday that almost made me want to cry. But I don't cry over boys anymore, so I put it back in there and sighed. I'm trying to be optimistic and positive. I'm trying reallly hard.
And I'm glad this day is over.
:) |
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| Lover, you should have come over - jeff buckley |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|05:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know
Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.
Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...
But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...
Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.
------
I spent the evening in soaking wet boots, sitting in a nice little theater about 10 steps away from where you live, in your cute medeival style building..and all i could keep thinking of was when i came down to visit you for the first time, only to kiss you for the last.
I want that back..all of it. I don't have a clue what was going on in your head but I want you back in my life. I don't understand how I could be given a boy, who learned everlong on his guitar just to sing it to me.. then have it all taken away.
I feel like each time they keep getting even more perfect and the harder they are to let go of.
And I don't want to let go.
I want to continue playing the name game, wondering if your sad lyrics are for me, or not..and assuming they are because it makes me feel a little better.
I wish you would just say something...anything.
I hope that when you're lying on the beach in cuba you think of me. And how you told me back then that you wanted me to go with you.
I'm pathetic, goodnight. |
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| Summer Skin |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|05:10 am] |
Sometimes i forget.
Sometimes i remember the smell of your hair and how your hands were always a little too big for mine. Sometimes i remember the feeling of mosquitoes biting every part of my body but liking it because it was all because of you. It doesn't happen unless you're rolling around in the grass by the lake with someone you want to spend every moment with, but since you can't you just sneak out late at night to watch the moon in the sky and how it reflects off the water. And the boats. They sat there still because nobody cares about boats by the end of the summer. I would if I had one. I'd ride it all day long and call it something pretty. And what's the deal with dog walkers? They'd always pretend to not notice us, and blame it on the dog if they got too close just because they were nosey and jealous.
And now I'm jealous.
And where does everyone go when I'm all by myself? I feel like either I have so much love all around me, or I have nothing at all. And everyone is soo self consumed to notice that all I want is for someone to care. Maybe caring comes from all the wrong people. Then when you want those people to care, they don't. They say they'll do things and help you out, but then when you ask twice.. they're too busy. I can't count on him anymore, and you know what.. it's about time he put his foot down and stopped taking shit from me because he's done it for far too long.
Sometimes I wonder how much I knew him, or if it was all just fun and games to pass the summer months. I guess you have no choice but to fall for the dance instructor because she wears shorts and does splits all day long. I wish it was more than that and I hate the fact that sometimes I feel like people don't know who I really am - the fact that I want so bad to be swept off my feet and never to be hurt again, or the fact that i bite my nails and sometimes get really bad anxiety which causes me to lose full nights of sleep.... or the fact that my biggest pet peeve is when people crunch apples really loud in class, regardless of whether or not I'm actually paying attention. I don't want to hide anything. nothing at all.
Today I looked at him from across the room and wondered if he loves his girlfriend. I wondered if they rolled around in his bed and whispered cutsey things in eachothers ears. I wondered if he ever wondered. I wondered what it would feel like to kiss his dimples, again. All of this why? Because I'm a stalker. And because I think way to much and long and hard about people who have come into and out of my life. And johnny cash knows it best when he says 'everyone i know goes away in the end' because that's exactly how it is right now.
Deathcab almost made me cry the other night when the lights dimmed just in perfect unison with the words 'i need you so much closer'. But for some reason I can't even remember the last time I cried, let alone over a guy.... and that's got to stand for something right?
I don't know.
Wish me luck for tomorrow.
xo,j |
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| hallllllloweeeeeeen weeeeeee |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|04:24 am] |
today i wrote a 10 page long exam in three hours and felt like my hand was really going to fall off. Like, no.. really. I had ink all over myself as well, but i hope i did well. I think i did. And I'm sooo freakin glad that im not presenting next week because that would have sent me over the edge.
tomorrow is pub night and my lovely friend kyla hemmed my dress so its super tight and super short that i'm hopin my coochie doesn't fall out. hah! I can't wait to get a pic with my swarm of beeeees. And we're totally gonna be sippin that honey lager like it's nobody's buzzziness.
ok.. im tired. and im skipping my 830 class so that i won't be uber tired tomorrow night. I think a skipped class tomorrow is well deserved after that killer midterm today.
gnite world. |
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| shit fuck. |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|08:11 pm] |
There's a girl in my ballet class that I want to choke with a banana. She gave me 14.5/20 on my participation in our group discussion, and wrote that my points were unclear. Maybe if I had gotten a chance to get a word in edgewise she would have understood what i wanted to say. I want to tell her that that she's crosseyed and a really big dyke, then rip out her stupid fucking pigtails that are NOT cute.
There's a girl at work who thinks she's better than me, and everyone else. She asked me to watch her tables while she smoked, and when I forgot to do it she was pissed. Today she avoided talking to me, except to let me know that the crossword i was looking at was in fact hers, and she wanted it back. I wanted to shove a firecracker up her ass and watch her explode.
There's also a girl at my work who's newer than me, has dark brown hair that she always wears in pigtails. I figured she was the same age as me. And today I found out she is.. and she has a big rock on her finger. I wondered how it was possible for someone my age to get married in this generation.. then i found myself quite jealous.
There was a boy in my grade three class today, who farted really loud while i was trying to explain math to him. His face turned red and he fidgeted to try and cover it up, and i continued talking normally. I'm not sure how I maintained composure.. maybe because when it comes to awkward moments like that, I'm a grammy-award winning actress. That, and I felt his pain.
This day sucked. Not only because i couldn't sleep a wink last night, and i was nodding off every 20 seconds in my class.. but because I'm scheduled to work next sat - the halloween party night. I was planning on booking it off but the keeners already have the schedule out. So here's hopin' that some generous soul will take the shift for me... either that, or i'll have to get my ass downtown after I get off work and hope hope hope that someone in this house feels sorry for me, enough to drive me down.
Everything hurts. I'm pretty sure that includes every muscle i didn't know i had in this body.
And, I gained five pounds since the last time i weighed myself. |
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